FOREVER YOUNG





Its so crazy, its so strange , i wish our times we could re-arrange, i miss you , i wish you were still here today, i wonder what you'd say.. i know that in heaven you are okay, i know that you with us everyday.
I kow that maybe you havent gone away, but this picture this was our very last day.

I can still remember the things you said that day, its as if you new this was one of our last days. A few of your last words took me by suprise, no lies.

But those few last words we shared, let me know how much you've always cared , i miss you today, i know ill miss you tommorow.
All this pain and sorrow this time i have is like a life I borrow.
I wish i could have one more day to tell you, tell you more.
You my friend, i dont have brothers, you were my brother, your mom to me will always be like a mother, a bloodline like yours, i know theirs no other.
Your like a pitbill, misjudged , something so special undercover, many woman will and do speak of you as an extraordinary lover, your forever young my brother.
These tears for you i do cry, cant help ask myself why?? Am i going insane when i feel your presence,when i speak to you as if your right here??
Many question the afterlife, many ask the question what is death after life??
Im blessed to call you my friend, I know you waiting at the end, I wanna see you soon these words i know you comprehend..
I remember all our crazy days , crazy nights, crazy fights, we were like two dark nights.. fighting for what we believe, fighting for what we need, fighting every fight with eachother for eachother, our pain would never be the blood we bleed.
Today i realise i never again will fight alone, i never again will walk this road alone, im not afraid, now more than ever im brave..you will always be fighting with me in spirit.

I miss you more an more everyday, with time this pain does not go away..
i loved you yesterday, i love you today, ill love you tommorow.

I dont have brothers, you were my brother, your mom to me will always be like a mother, a bloodline like yours, i know theirs no other.
Your like a pitbill, misjudged , something so speial undercover, many woman will and do speak of you as an extraordinary lover, your forever young my brother.

THANK U BRENDON

IM BLESSED TO HAVE THESE WORDS DONE BY YOU

LOVE YOU NOW AN FOREVER

Let me Dream

She walks into my life, she steals my heart like a thief in the night
I'm in a dream, will this queen be my wife, don't wake me up, please let me dream.
is this my reality, or is my reality no more than a dream, together we eating ice cream..
I can taste it this is no dream
We so happy  everything seems perfect, it all seems right, the sun is shining bright.
It all starts to darken, it all starts to fade, I wake , its cold , it dark, its night a winter morning the sun its not shining bright.

This was no more than another dream ,A dream that wont come true, a dream im sure of because there's no you, I get up light a smoke , on which I nearly choke, I got to go to work I cant afford to be broke, cant remember when last we spoke, do you see me as a joke??

I remember, you in my life was such a pleasure, every moment would fly by, so every moment together I would cherish. I would treasure.
Never enough time in a day before I knew it, like fading smoke u went away.
I thought maybe god would bring u back into my life on a better day, he didn't an that's okay.

Problem is u left me with scars, not only a broken heart, since you've been gone I don't know how to restart, start without you, iv tried , but the more I try, the more I fail, when its rains it feels like hail, im dramatic, its that drastic, without u love seems frantic, never romantic, what is love without you..
does it exist, u found it why cant I, my loves like a plant , it cant help but eventually die , like im stuck in a dessert an im just so dry.

All I remember now is the words... goodbye, let me dream, let me dream.

Sweetdreams and goodnight

So many times iv reached out to you
So many nights I dream about you
My heart forces me to cry out to you
My heart forces me to try fight for you

I fight , an fight .. Where is the light?? .. Ur out of site , I can only find u when I close my eyes in the dark of the night, please wake me , turn on the light..
These dreams in colour not like these words in black and white.. To reach out to u seems so wrong, but in my dreams it all feels right.. in my dreams u don't belong ..
the nights never seem long , the saddest part is when I open my eyes, ur no longer there , ur gone.

The days go by so slow , fighting my thoughts, telling myself I need to let go, why are u the only love I know..
Why won't my subconscious mind let u go..

I can't help contradict what I feel, some dreams u can make come true, an some are not up to you.

I know these words are to be judged, with tears they cannot be smudged, they cannot be erased, I don't live to be praised, I live to be me, my true self.. Accept me or reject me,my grammer an puncuation, u can correct me, but opinions will never affect me.

Its so hard to show composure, when I cannot find closure, ..no matter the pain ,an moments of going insane , knowing you'll never come back again, truth is I still vision u when it starts to rain.

These are the only emotions I cannot control, its starting to take its toll, dreams don't come true , I know that thanks to you .. I could never blame you, I just need to force myself to give up the fight, close my eyes an say goodnight, an hope that someone can find me,by turning on the light. Sweet dreams an goodnight ;-)

If I die before I wake I pray the lord my soul to take

Love an Lust

Love is a verb a doing word, so is lust, but which in your life is a must.. lust a word that can also spell slut, love is something u feel in your gut, when we cant find love we resort to lust, sometimes we mistake lust for love, infatuation for a vision of an angel sent from above

We think this feeling it must be love, we mistake lust for passion , we start to get over the satisfaction, lust becomes a chain reaction , love fades an slowly dies, you forget what its like to love, to feel , to tell the difference between lust an a love that's real, a love that's true, I slowly gently touch you, our bodies move closer, like magnetism, we can read an feel each others lustful thoughts, we crave to be pleased, we crave the pleasure, slowly in her ear I whispers a nice lustful gesture.
It makes her crazy , it makes her wild, this girl she was once a child, but now she's all spicy an sometimes a little mild, she likes it wild, the lust becomes uncontrollable, like a volcanic eruption, she erupts, soon after I erupt, was this lust enough?

She begged for it like a spoilt child, she got what she craved , what she needed, the seed has been planted her wish has been granted, her pleasure was mine, my pleasure was hers, will we meet again ?? lust dies quick, but love is rare, so when love is hard to find, I guess lust is the closest kind.. in this moment we don't really mind.

Truth is we both still crave that love an affection , lust may be a antidote a short lasting injection, guiding us in the right direction, pleasing for that moment, like a drug, like a fix. its never enough, its just not love, its not emotion, its no more than another eruption, this lust is causing destruction.

Time goes by, Lust no longer gets u high, its erotic but causing you to go psychotic, love Is what u crave yet u do not want to feel like a child when sexually u misbehave..

I remember love, the reason I know I will now show, the mood is set the candles are lit, its cliché, but we both proud of it, we think we in a movie ,but this is real, because it more than lust.
nerves an emotions we both can feel, the world around us has stood still, its just us to , we alone in this world on our own.. we don't care we have each other an right now that's all we need..

The night reaches its peak, the ,music we turn down soft, so we can speak, I tell her I love you, she tells me she loves me more, in my mind I think this girl is more than another whore, another slut, she's special, I think iv got the butterflies im scared to look her in her eyes these feelings I cant disguise, eventually I look up into her eyes, they sparkling, maybe its the champagne.
She's smiling , maybe she's laughing at me maybe she's happy, I get nervous, I tremble I shake, she gets knots in her stomach, I can no longer hold , I reach out I kiss her passionately, im shocked this feeling inside is one that only love can describe, we both trembling, we both shaking, our heart for more we aching, this feeling is love, this our gift from a god above, I lay her down, I treat her soft, im so gentle, like a princess , im her prince, like a husband she's my wife, like death she's my life..

we make love , under the stars above, lust can never compare to love, I remember love.

BURIED SECRETS

Its hard to look at the past, its hard to overcome yesterday, my past it still haunts me, the demons they still taunt me,
I don't fear the future, I don't fear the past, but sometimes I ask myself how long will this happiness last.
Maybe expecting it to fade , can send me back to the shade, out of the light, yet I can't allow that, this is why I fight.
Am I afraid of the dark?.. Or am I afraid of what lies in the dark, afraid of what I can't see?
I try hard not to let my past define me, I try my hardest to let the holy spirit shine through me..
I know his hand is guiding me ..

Sometimes I wonder if I'm meant to spend this life on my own, sometimes I do feel alone, I have many people around me.. I have many people that are proud of me..

Yet why do I feel as though this is not where I belong?
why do I always feel I'm the odd one out?
A quote I try to follow 'why fit in, when your born to stand out'..
Am I really even happy??.. Am I depressed..??
Or am I just accepting the fact that I'm not like the rest??
Where do I belong, why does it feel as though somethings missing??
Can I truly be loved? am I lost? Or am I waiting to be found..
Am I normal? Am I unique? .. Do I have the heart someone truly may seek? ..
Does it really matter than I write more than I speak..
Am I truly strong? or do you just not realise I'm actually weak?
I know that my words are always been judged, my actions do cause dissatisfactions, an raised eyebrow reactions..

There's more than one side, there's so much more that I can't help hide..
I'm guilty of a sin , this been my pride, my secrets in the lord I do confide, that's my only way of putting them aside..
I speak of a past, one that haunts me..
I speak of a past one that taunts me..
People ask , they tell me they here when I'm ready to talk .. The closer they get the quicker I walk, you see I walk away an often return another day, but they don't forget, they afraid of the unknown.. They afraid of what's in my past that I have not shown
So I walk , I walk alone .. I fight these demons on my own , I fight these demons yet I'm not alone..

I need to let go, show me how because I don't know
I no longer know who I'm writing to , so ill just call you , you , I speak to god an myself more than anyone else..

I see the world in a different light, I see the world through a different sight, I don't know which I'm more afraid of , the the light or the dark of the night.. Is this where I belong, is this the life I was destined to live , what is my destiny , how do I fulfil it , do I jump from one topic to the next, do I speak out of context?..
I don't know anymore, feels like I'm going in circles, round an round ..am I lost yet to be found?
Is this where I belong?
Or will I soon be gone.

I speak in riddles, am I the joker??.. Or am I the joke?? Am I rich or am I broke?? Do I lead you to believe just what I need you to believe? or does true story lie beyond these words for you one day to retrieve?
Is this my story? or is my story hidden below this story?
Do I confuse? Do I amuse?
Is this a vocabulary I just abuse, did I just blow a fuse?? ..
When I right do I think before I speak?? Or do I just flow??
Only a select few of you will know..
Enjoy the show , u never know where in this life we are to go ..
Am I cold as snow? Or am I warm as fire..
Do you know the truth, or do u think I'm a liar??
Is this where I belong? Or will I soon be gone?
Love or hate..
I don't care.. Just relate

19 APRIL

I can still remember the day 19th april 2011..
My dad sat me down , an told me he needs to send me away, it can no longer go on this way.
I was high as the sky, as I stared him in his eye, I said no dad but why?? ..

He said don your on another high, u heading into another psychosis, I believed that his judgment on my mind caused an hypnosis , his opinions would always be on what I'd focus,what I'd trip out on , constant paranoia ,from one drug test to the next, positive for all.. Ironic that positive can turn out to be a negative , I got sedated, drugged up on medication , before I knew it I was in rehabilitation.
For years I had tried to avoid this situation..

This turned out to be my lives biggest blessing in disguise.
When u look deep into my brown, sometimes hazel eyes, do u see all I disguise??
You think the roads I walk are easy?? ..
I struggle through everyday, never knowing if I'm truly heading the right way, I close my eyes, every single day I pray, pray for the strength to survive just for today..
U think all these words I express all these years iv spoken ,can describe what in my life has been broken?
I can tell u that something spiritual inside me has been awoken, I appreciate the air I breathe, I wear my motivation on my sleeve..
Life doesn't always give you what u need, it is not only physically that we bleed, good is never good enough, never satisfying,I know even at my best, I'm capable of more.

That's why I will never stop trying.

I woke up today 19th April 2013.. I can't help but keep getting tears in my eyes, all the screams all the cries, all the judgement through so many eyes,all the sad heartbreaking goodbyes, time flies, to get to where I am today, to be okay, no matter the way, I'm thankful, I'm here today, where I am , where I stand.. I walk in the light of god, n gumba laka tikati, excuse the grammar, the punctuation,an maybe even the pronunciation..

I do live my life on the edge , at any moment I can slip off the ledge, fall again, but ill always rise again..fight till the end, my words truly you will never comprehend..
There's a beginning after the end..
In this world I may never blend.. But in this world I'm your friend..

Thank you to my father in heaven an my father on earth
Your guidance an strength, has guided me here since the day of birth

Happy birthday dad

Breaking Records

To overcome the greatest of fears, sometimes it takes blood sweat an many tears..
The blood u shed on the way, is worth it all at the end of the day.
The sweat may be a slow release of all your regret, an when u smelling foul, sweaty an wet.. remember what u give is what you'll get.
The tears u cry, the tears you felt running down slowly beneath your eye, that moment when u look up to the sky and ask god why??
That moment where you looked at your life an wished you could die ..
Those moments are in the past say goodbye

Its a new day, wake up look at the sky smile an say high..
If u believe u can fly, you will reach the sky..
I'm almost two years sane , and I can tell you my past it was never in vain.
I felt pain, I still love the rain, I know that ill never be the same again, but life is not a game, we only get one chance to change this world, to make a difference , to leave something special behind.
We all have our purpose, god has a plan, a plan for you a plan for me.
So when u feel uv failed, know that u have not failed, god has something better in store for you.
People may give up on you, but never give up on yourself, never give up on you.
There is something great in store for you..
Fight your fight everyday, we all have our fight, our own records to break, this is my life to take..
I learn from my every mistake, I overcome heartache,due to the fact that iv got so many records to break.
The blood sweat an tears , can go on for years.. At least I know I faced my fears.
Today I'm here, my path I walk its crystal clear.
I was once love blind, my sight took years to find.
Now its found , iv moved on , that mole is underground.. Something special iv now truly found ..
Never again will I turn around ..over here I'm safe an sound ..
I saw demons as an illusion , in a state of confusion, sometimes I still need to fight those visions when they try enter my mind , I close my eyes an pray 'Dear lord Jesus, please let me be okay, my only fear is myself .. My mental health..
Almost two years sane, please lord god never let me go back again, give me the strength, to walk through the rain, thank you for your spiritual awakening, There's a reason my world was shaking..
Thank you for opening my eyes, thank you for sparing my life time after time, crime after crime..
I will fulfil my purpose,I will break records do what everyone tells me is impossible, with blood sweat an tears, bless me with many years

Take some advice, sacrafice : )

What we do today, will affect tomorrow,advice is it something u borrow, or something u take?.. Can u literally feel your heart break, does the fear the pain , make u tremble an shake , do u sleep yet feel half awake??
Can u overcome your greatest mistake , overcome the heartache of yesterday, in order to smile today, god answers for what you pray, in the best way..
The greatest gift to us all was his sacrifice, without even speaking this would be the worlds greatest advice ,sacrifice today, for the great of tomorrow.
Once upon a time , I met a girl named Priscilla ,in a place u wouldn't wanna know , I was living a thriller, maybe she was no more than another illusion , iv never seen her again , she left me in confusion, a page with her words , ' does he write for the fame, maybe life is to blame, a messenger , a lover, an angel undercover ' ..
If she was real or not, her words till today iv never forgot, even after more than one lithium shot ..
I believe she was the angel sent from above , sent from god , for that moment I most needed that kind of love .. Maybe she disappeared back to that place above..
I searched high an low , where she would go I would never know ..
But if she's above , I'm thanking this angel for all her love ..
2007 .. An angel sent to guide me , I swear she's from heaven ..
She advised me to put pen to paper .. I did not know that I'd never again see her later ..
I still have this little ancient brown book ,one the first page her advice, her poem , her advice I took.

Remorse

I know you'll never give me a chance to apologise,I wish you were here in person to see the remorse in my eyes, I'm sorry for all the tears I caused to run from your eyes, I'm sorry for more than a 1000 goodbyes, I know you don't want this apology nor care , but I do owe you this apology, I studied your body next to me in physiology, now that you know I'm talking to you, I wanna apologise for all I put u through, I guess I have no clue what I put you through, maybe I do , but with this these words could never be true , I refused to let go, even though today I realise u were right, we better of not speaking, not seen each other, we were no longer good for each other,this just took longer for me to discover.

You were always right, even when u were wrong u were right, I never realised that then that's why we'd always fight, I could not let go because you were the only love I'd ever know.. I couldn't let go of the love we had those many years ago, years have gone by, yet I couldn't help ask myself why, why did a 'love' so special just fade away an die..
So I turned into that guy , the guy looking back with regret, the guys hung up, hung up on you, so hung up I basically stalked you..
Reached out to you, would literally have given my life to you, my world to you for one more chance with you..
This was so unfair , as u shouldn't feel bad that you no longer care, I had no right to be angry an sad that u were no longer there..
Losing you was a feeling for which I could not prepare.
We were so young , those feelings an words u chose to share ..
To believe it was real love an hold you to that was not fair
U were right, it was only infatuation ..
I no longer loved you, I loved the idea of what we once had..
Its over now an iv realised that its just a case of 'to bad'
U snooze you loose ..
U drink to much , u hit the booze, u take for granted , what someone else is praying for ..
An later u think your heart is sore, this is me I speak of , I should have let go years ago, something wouldn't let me I was selfish, I know..
I'm truly sorry goodbye , u can go..