My spirit cannot be sold

Let the truth be told, this is what im told, im lucky to have grown this old, my life could be like a game of poker , except I never fold.. My spirit could never be sold.

I have spent days alone in the cold, all my life iv believed id never grow old,  I have loved ones , that ill forever appreciate, I have people out there to which these words they relate, I have people out there to which my name they debate..

There’s people out there that really just couldn’t care less, I always strive to do my best, as iv said before I never did blend in with the rest , sometimes I think these rhymes are no more than a waste of my time, maybe a waist of yours but that’s fine, that’s okay maybe its these rhymes that give me the strength to get through the day.

You  see when I express what I feel ,when im not fake , but real , I somehow manage to deal with the way that I feel.

Words have great power they truly heal.

There’s a saying ‘sticks an stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me’

I’m sorry but that’s only true if you’re trying to charm me, I believe there’s emotional pain in this world that no physical pain could ever compare to, I believe there’s so many struggles everyday we need to get through.

I believe in every lie there’s a part that’s true, and if there’s not it might just become true this may not make sense to you, but somedays can be black and purple not only blue.

I would never seek anyone’s pity do not get the wrong impression, do not mistake my emotions  for a dude with depression, u never know , as I am writing this I may have an erection, or maybe I don’t , I am sure I often speak under correction , maybe I look back at my life an see it as a perfection.

Maybe that lithium injection caused this perfection , maybe I don’t own mirrors because I cant stand the reflection, so I saw visions before my eyes, maybe I saw myself as the devil in disguise , maybe I  believed I could fly an fell trying to touch the skies, maybe I reached for heaven , an found hell..

Yet today I think I may have a great story to tell…

Is the future something we predict?? Does this phrase cause the conflict??

If I am to expose it all , stand tall or again fall, walk before I even attempt to crawl , if I fail, an the days of once rain turn to hail…at least im leaving my trail , succeed or fail.

God grants me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, have u ever tried to take my words and re-arrange? Sound familiar or strange? GOD grants me the courage to change the things I can, there’s a hidden message, what do you see before thee? Sometimes you need to look back into whose history?

And Wisdom to know the difference, these words have been granted.

A seed has been planted never ever take my words for granted…!!!

I have been diagnosed with so many medical terms .. psyciatric terms , spiritual terms , in the past been told im mentally unstable.
years have gone by, im on no longer on medication, in the most amazing phsyical , spiritual ,mental situation..

Because my lord is my salvation

Through whose eyes??

Once upon a time there was a boy he lived a dangerous life … he experienced all kinds of heartache and betrayal.

He lost his mind in 2007 … it was such a pitty he had so much potential.

all his hopes all his dreams gone in a instant … he disappeared for 4 months .. it was rumoured that he went into a state of psychosis

It was rumoured that he would never find his way back to reality.. it was rumoured that he would spend the rest of his life in a home. A mental home.

Four months later this boy returned… doctors, psychiatrists, an nurses believing it was a miracle..

Nobody in the world understood what this boy had just been through.. Nobody understood the visions he saw before his eyes... Nobody understood the thoughts that ran through his mind.. The thoughts he believed …nobody saw the world as he did.. If only they could see through his eyes.. If only his eyes could tell a story..

It was said that he felt a demon with the name of Lucifer, watching him, talking to him, possessing his mind... Asking him to enter his world...

It was said that what he would dream would become a reality...

It was said his eyes changed from brown to yellow... it was said he couldn’t distinguish between who was alive an who was dead even if your living body was standing right in front of him … it was said he did not know who his own father was it was said that he did not know who his own mother was.. His mind was so confused an mentally abused...

When he returned he was not quite the same all he once had, was taken from him.. So much medication built his new personality... but this was not the boy everyone once knew…

Years went by he gave up on everything that once meant something to him... he gave up on life.. Turned to drugs. An it was only a matter of time before he went back to day one … psychiatric ward... this time... they had the suitable medication.. 2months later he found his sanity again...

The fact that he could not accept insanity as a illness led him down an even darker path... he could not come to terms with what had become of his life..

He needed an escape...

Heroin, meth, cat, weed, cocaine, alcohol, sex, this would become his escape.

In the year 2011 he lost the plot ..Slowly started losing his mind once more ... went into drug dealing... stealing

Selling possessions.. Living out of his car.. Fighting.. Getting robbed... Arrested.. Court... it had to come to a stop.. He was forced into rehabilitation...This experience would change his life forever...

In rehab this boy lost his mind .. Once again Lucifer  was back haunting him.. Haunting his thoughts... An appearing in forms of people in front his eyes in the dark of the night..

He got sent away to high care psychiatric facility... An back to rehab there after...

On night in the strangest form he was lead into reading his bible... He came to the realisation that though every bad moment an angel was there god was there.. All his memories came storming back... he realised that in his 1^st psychosis... he went to church... And a week later he did what everyone saw as a miracle came back to reality... he knew that after all he had been through he should be living in a home..Or better off be dead after all the danger he put himself in.

This boy woke up the next day.. An he was healthy.. Had a completely new outlook on life ..

He othed o turn his life around as he did many times before but the difference was this time he believed he would.

This boy, became a man , this man is me !!!

When it comes to you and I

When it comes to you an I, the odds are stacked against me.. The chances are so slim, the lights seem so dim, but the light, it shines, its there, its a pitty life seems so unfair, iv been in this situation before, but not with someone nearly as special as you..
When I'm sad , when I'm feeling blue, I turn to you. U give me the strength to carry on , your always there when everything else seems gone , how can me holding you feel so right yet be wrong..
How do I carry on when in the future u may be gone .. When I vision a future I see u there , I want u there, people like u come by once in a lifetime your that rare..
Do u see me there the way I see u there?
Is this question I ask even fair?
Is what I say really okay?
Is this fair on you.. Do u deserve these feelings these emotions I'm putting you through, should I walk away for you to be okay??
Is that what ud prefer me to do..
I don't know anymore ..
Everything inside me may be longing for you, but is this the part , where u tell me I don't belong in your heart, an I'm not worthy of yours..

How could I ever ask u to sacrifice it all, I can't do that, all the odds are stacked against me, am I crazy to have even went this far, this deep, I'm speaking to you while u asleep..

Is this hill just to steep,.. Does this end in u walking away, or will u stay, I new what I may be getting myself into from the very first day.. But never saw myself feeling this way..

I hold you so tight, under the stars that shine so bright, it may be wrong but it feels so right, I touch ur soft skin , gently appreciate every soft spot, feel u close,breathe in an out.. Feel ur warmth from the inside out..

Think to myself, how can I be wrong , how can she be wrong, how can this be wrong, how can what we feel be wrong, how can we just ignore this, in a way
it takes the piss

Something we have together , that some will never find in a lifetime lasting forever ..
Fait shows us we destined together ..
U an I, fait does not lie.. Every time u look me in the eye.. We both know why.

No longer worthy - contradictions

All I try to do is be there, try show u that I care , u take my kindness for granted, like in your mind a grudge has been implanted its part of you, I don't know what it is I did to you, but okay, I'm done , now I'm really leaving you.

I won't be here when one day u come running back, if u think I will, u sure to be smoking crack, because iv literally just turned my back. Don't smile at me when u see me in public , don't be fake an talk to me , rather look through me , pretend u can't even see me .
Like I am to you , your also dead to me .
The person I once knew , she outgrew you.
She was never shallow, she had different values , know your just one of many statues .

I moved on , I knew we were long gone , yet I tried showing you just a little mutual respect, something I know regret, because it was never mutual.

I stood up for you, when u wernt even there..
U did the opposite , I thought it was unfair..
but at last its opened my eyes to show me just how little u actually care.

I became your biggest mistake, u became nothing more than something in my heart that would ache.
The aching is now gone , so long. Be gone.

U see the person you are when u see me to my face , an the person u are when I'm not around , they don't match an seem lost without a trace .

So I don't wanna know either of them . Your not my lover , your not my friend , these feelings are dead.
I should never have let you get into my head , I'm over it know though, for once an for all u can slip ill never again be there to catch u when u fall.

U don't deserve a goodbye , an in public your not worthy of a hello or as u say it, hi.
goodbye little beatle fly away nice an high don't come back , ud be on crack.

Enough to last forever

Out of every word I have ever written, out of every rhyming feeling…

Tonight as I lay awake staring above at the ceiling, saying a prayer..

Telling god this is not fair, this thought I cannot bare, these feelings are the hardest to share…

The thought of been without u has brought me many tears over the past few years..

To tell the truth with or without you, you gave me the strength to face my fears

U see, I truly believed we were meant to be…

I can imagine that what happened to me in 2007 2010 an 2011 could be part of the reason you’re staying away …

I cant explain 2 u how much my life changed 2007 April 17 the very 1st day..

I was confused, because of the amount of drugs I abused, something in my mind fused..

I lost my mind.. 4 months is what It took to find…

Sometimes in life I wish u could push play, pause an rewind…

Id go back to the day I met you, I hope u wont mind:)

In you, I had It all, you were always there to catch me when I was about to fall..

I know you’ve moved on with your life, I can tell u know there is a guy out there that is going to have the most amazing wifeJ…

U once asked me how will it benefit me to see u , an tonight I realised that’s just it ..

How could I be so full of shit ... love is not about one, but two...

And seen me would sadly not benefit you …

I guess iv said this is the last, but I never seem to manage to forget the past...

But tonight I came to this realisation... I was lucky enough to spend time with you, in my eyes gods greatest creation..

Maybe one day you’ll think of me, realise u were my great love an hold a key ..

A key to my heart .., even though we apart..

Maybe ull try contact me that day... until then if that day is ever to come I will stay away…

These words I othe to try obey

Anyway I guess what’s most important is what im about to say... Every night in my bed id lay... Every night to the lord id pray... Hoping you’d come back to me some day...

I could never give up on you... When I told u id love you forever those words were true...

You deserve the best, u have a heart of gold, I see beyond your disguise... I apologise for all my lies...I’m speaking to you the amazing girl that I see when I look into your eyes ...

When I went to rehab I told u you’d be my motivation. No more procrastination...

I turned my life around im clean.. Im reaching places iv never been ..

I hope that life brings u the happiness u deserve... And I want u to know u strong enough to get through that moment when life throws u a curve…

Ur special, your rare, im not around but ill always care

So I guess this is my final few words …

Every moment we shared together, is more than enough to last me forever...

SOCIETY

There are times in life where you feel as though all the doors are shutting in your face

U finding it so hard to understand this place

This place called earth, this world we live in it all seems so unfair

To find kindness seems so rare, you’re crying out for help yet no one comes to your aim, you feel alone all on your own, an wonder how long this feeling will remain.

You’re taking strain, in your own mind it feels as though you’re going insane.

We pay our taxes; pay our debts, as if we have so much money to burn...

My problems, your problems, it seems to be our only concern.

This world that is in recession is causing more than just financial depression.

Its resulting in homicide, suicide, countries to collide, all due to financial aggression.

In this society we can’t help feel anxiety, there’s no where to turn, without us realising it’s these struggles that help us learn, sometimes u have to rely on only yourself in order to earn...

We need to rise above all the corruption, before its results in a metaphoric nuclear eruption… we need to stand together as one.. not their one , not their united , our united , your united , don’t allow yourself to be unsighted .. Open your eyes, don’t fall for the disguise, do u really think they care about all the tears the world cries...

Do you think they truly believe in the heavens beyond the skies...?

They say time fly’s, money never sleeps, the non living always speaks...we need to be careful what we preach, there’s rules , regulations borders we cannot breach, its not always easy to practice what we preach, learn instead of teach..

These words may be all I got, I may not have the widest vocabulary, I may not earn the highest salary, but I do believe in Christianity, an reality before an after insanity, im not afraid to face reality, nor am I afraid of a life of insanity … its easy to forgive, not as easy to forget... hard to look back without regret , yet live a life in debt , pay your debt , forgive your debt , rely on you , be you , be true.

One last chance

Honestly why can I not stop missing you subconsciously, everywhere I go it seems your haunting me.

Your presence, your memories like drugs they forever taunting me.

In my dreams I swear your haunting me, like a relapse you’re taunting me.

You’re not even trying, but some days without you it feels as though im emotionally dying.

You no longer care, you no longer here, life without you is close to my greatest fear.

You’ve left me with this pain, you left me with your love running through my every vain

You left me thinking of you every moment it starts to rain.

You left me at my weakest you left me when I literally went insane.

An even though don managed to come back again...

You never will, you can’t stand the thought of me, the sight of me...

Feels as though u fear me, I guess you hate me, I guess I can’t blame you.

I guess your right I no longer know you; maybe I no longer love you.

You’re no longer the girl I once new, as this girl is not you… but somewhere deep inside she lives in you.

An unfortunately for me ill always believe in you... Maybe this is just a psychotic obsession, causing never ending depression..

I guess your love taught me a valuable lesson…

The person that you love most can chew you up an spit you out, leave you forever living in doubt, I ask myself is this really what true love is about.

People tell me that your far from the girl I once knew , people tell me they don’t know what’s happened to you, an that I am a now a level above you, but in my thoughts I respond .. I still love you.

Im clean. Im sane. no longer on medication no longer living a life of procrastination.

I live a good life, yet it feels empty without you, no words could ever be more true.

Iv let go of all my pride, these feelings I once tried so hard to hide... im exposing them one by one , I wish I could go back to those moments when we were both young , those times we shared were so fun, ill never stop believing you were the one.

Iv allowed myself to appear vulnerable, to so many im sure I look weak an they don’t want to hear these words I speak, these emotions I write, but truth is I love you and you’re the only one that gives me the strength to put up a fight against the darkness of the night until the sun comes out and I get to see the light.

I know you wish id just forget you, an like you do me, start to regret you.

Truth is I could never ever forget you , as you’ve asked I will stay away yet pray for a day, a day where I get to hear you say , everything will be okay , a day where you’ll return an never again go away..

You no longer here, you no longer care, u left me with an everlasting tear, life without you is close to my greatest fear.

Im here, I care, you’re worth this tear, and for you ill keep facing this fear.

Im always here.

Id do anything for one last chance